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As Rocket fans, we're at an interesting mid-point in the NBA season. Despite being 4-and-a-half games out of the last playoff spot, our hopes have been buoyed by the recent Rocket winning streak. The odds of Houston making the playoffs are long, and yet we retain hope that Clutch won't have to whip up a sequel to last year's "Quest for Some Balls" (and that we won't have to sit watching the lottery hoping David Stern puts his hand on our balls again, either).
And with the winning and the hope comes a realization that the good times might end sooner rather than later. We'd better talk our smack while we still can; come May, there's a good chance that our only comeback when taunted by Maverick or Spurs fans will be "Oh yeah? Well shut up, stupidhead!"
That's where I come in.
Oh, Riley?
We've been over and over the Hakeem-to-Miami issue on the BBS, so I won't rehash the issue here except to say that giving Riley credit for the success of the big men he's coached over the years is like congratulating the clerk at Blockbuster for his work on "Titanic".
Over the years, Riley's inherited Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Patrick Ewing, and Alonzo Mourning while each was in or near the peak of their respective careers. It's not like he had to teach them how to tie their shoes or pass the ball (OK, OK, maybe in Ewing's case).
Yes, Riley's half-court offense is predicated on dumping the ball down into the center; if that makes him a great coach for big men, Hakeem, then you'd be just as happy with just about all 29 NBA coaches.
On the Road Again
David Stern has granted permission to the perennially awful Vancouver Grizzlies to begin searching for a new home in the United States. New Orleans is thought to be the leading candidate to inherit the woeful Grizz based on its long track record of faithful support for the loser Saints (sources indicate that Washington, home of the Generals, dropped out of the running early).
The failure of Vancouver to support an NBA franchise proves that, as we insisted six years ago, the Canadian populace is far too primitive to appreciate basketball.
Cha-loser
Dallas beat Cleveland Thursday night, 102-81. The game was as boring as you'd expect of a Cavaliers game, with the exception of a late skirmish caused by Cleveland's hurt feelings.
It seems that Dallas had frantically tried to reach the 100-point mark so that each of the fans in attendance would receive a free Taco Bell chalupa as part of a promotion. Cleveland's players, who'd just played 47 minutes of listless and uninterested basketball, took exception to Dallas trying hard, and a fight broke out.
During the skirmish, feared enforcer Mark Cuban left his cheap seat and did a wonderful impression of someone who was actively involved in the brawl while managing to stay well out of the reach of any large, angry players.
What are we to learn from this incident?
- Cleveland sucks.
- Given the enthusiasm with which the Mavericks pursued the 100-point mark in order to win their fans a burrito stuffed with dog meat and raccoon entrails, they must really hate their fans.
- Cuban must truly be rich, if he thinks he'd be able to pay for the amount of plastic surgery it would take to repair his face after being punched by someone the size of Chucky Brown.
- I bet Cleveland's "Tractor" Traylor was also fervently rooting for Dallas to score 100 points in the hopes that he'd be rewarded with a burrito, too.
Out On A Lame
It's probably not nice of me to make fun of Dr. Jack Ramsay. He's got enough problems without people talking poorly of him behind his back -- no hair, ears that could stop a drag racer, and so forth.
But he makes it so easy on me! I mean, look at his recent "look ahead" to the second half of the NBA season.
- Players to watch: Allen Iverson (leading the league in scoring) and Shaquille O'Neal (last year's regular season and NBA Finals MVP).
- Teams to watch: Milwaukee (3rd in the Eastern Conference) and San Antonio (2nd in the Western Conference).
- Sleepers: Miami (2nd in the Eastern Conference) and Sacramento (one-half game out of a tie for 2nd in the Western Conference).
Hello, Captain Obvious! Two of the four best players in the NBA are guys we should "keep an eye on"? The teams with the 2nd-best records in each conference are "sleepers"? Good God, Jack, you left out some other important things we should watch for the rest of the way:
I, Brian Kagy, am predicting that the conference finals will go until one team wins four games. Same with league finals!
Furthermore, there will be no tie games in the NBA this year.
The Clippers, Bulls, and Bullets will not make the playoffs.
Whew! This prognostication stuff is too hard. How about a joke instead?
I Now Pronounce Thee...
Karl Malone and John Stockton are driving through Louisiana. As they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argue back and forth until they finally stop for lunch.
At the counter, Malone asks the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Can you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The teenager recognizes the Jazz duo, takes into consideration their considerable mental deficiencies, leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
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